Hikari Reika: The main character is a guy, by the way ^^; Erm… I don’t know what else to write so on with a story!
p.s: I don’t support suicide. I am strictly against it, that’s why I wrote this.
There is always a better way out if you look hard for it. Death is not an option. It never was.
By Hikari Reika
Truth to be told, I never knew my life would come to this.
Ever since my parents had a raging outburst at me one fateful day, I had hated my life ever since. Everything looked and felt dull and dreary. Every shine of light and every glow of the moon looked monochrome and empty. All things good and sweet overpowered my senses, making me sick to the pit of my stomach. Laughing made me cry. Smiling made me want to bang my head fiercely against the bedroom wall. I would and I did. But no matter how I did hurt myself physically, as time progressed, I couldn’t feel a thing. I had been hurt so much that even pain itself was a distant memory. I wanted to… feel again.
Everyone around me turned their backs at me ever since I’ve changed. My friends, my family, every single one that I knew… they all had their backs facing me. Even my best friend who stood by me in times of thick and thin, mournfully said to me ‘You’ve changed’ before I ever saw him again.
Worse still, my girlfriend of three years broke off with me. Well, I never loved her anyway. She was a first-class bitch, leeching me off my expenses. She is notably a very high-maintenance gold-digger. The only reason why I stayed with her is because she was a catch. Really. But I realized that towards the end of my relationship with her, that her beauty was only superficial. She had a nose job twice before she decided she wanted a full make-over of her face. Surgery made her beautiful and stunning, but made her the biggest ball-busting bitch in the world with an ego the size of the moon.
I admit before my change, I was a pretty rebellious kid. But I never stepped over the line. Not once. I respected people and tried hard to put myself in other people’s shoes. That was before, of course.
I loved punk-rock, heavy metal and Goth music. My wardrobe consisted of only black shirts, and occasionally white shirts. I loved chains and I loved colouring my hair in different shades of purple and red. Occasionally I would wear mascara. You could say that my biggest fashion influence would be punk-Goth. In difficult times, dressing as so helped me hide my pain and sorrows. On another note, I looked intimidating to people who didn’t know me, but my friends knew I was a kind soul with a rational, optimistic heart.
But I’ve changed. I’ve spiraled so much into depression that no matter how much I dress up, people could still tell that I was upset. That was initially.
Dwelling in depression, I changed into an overly rebellious kid. I never listened to anyone. I only obeyed by my rules. I would shout and curse at every petty thing and everyone around me grew tiresome of my excessive behavior.
The last straw for everyone I knew happened when I was caught up in a gang-fight in a bar in town. I was drunk and beaten up pretty bad, but it didn’t compare to the fate of the wise-guy I had fought with. Hm. He was in hospital for two weeks and had almost died from severe blood-loss. Onlookers said I was bewildered. Even in my drunken state, I was able to swing a good punch at him and knock the wind out of him. He was fairly built and well over six feet tall. I was possessed. I was possessed by the spirit of Pain and Despair himself.
I was detained for a month in the lock-up. Prison made my life worse. After that, the world never looked the same at all. It was hell.
And I wanted out of it.
I don’t know how, but I stumbled upon an underground, unknown forum. It’s hard to describe one kind of forum it was, but I guess one word could explain it all. Suicide.
People posted up everything about the taboo topic. How to commit suicide, where’s the best place… There are even some who announced where and when they will commit suicide.
Being in the state I was in at that time, all my morals were quickly thrown out of the window. Finding the website was like a blessing. I took in a ragged breath of relief. I was not alone.
Suicide. The world never sounded so sweet to my ears before. Sure, before the change, I hated suicide. I couldn’t get myself to understand why people do such a thing.
That day, I had my answer.
I was hooked to that website for a few days, thinking of how to commit suicide. The usual were there, slashing of the wrist, hanging, falling off buildings. Although I was keen on the idea, I still couldn’t picture myself actually killing myself. I had never attempted to do something before.
But I wanted to. Life itself pressured me to do it. So I will do it.
Then I stumbled upon an entry, and it read:
‘I’m going to commit suicide… But I don’t know when… Will someone come and commit suicide with me too? E-mail me and I’ll give you my details…’
I was stunned for a moment. But then I thought, ‘this is what I want to do.’ I didn’t want to die alone, I thought. Everyone abandoned me, and sure as hell I don’t want to die without someone by my side.
I was prepared to send the e-mail but the person had already found someone who agreed and had announced he had closed off any entries. Well, I guess I can put up my own notice, I thought. Without hesitation, I put up an entry.
Two days later, I got an e-mail from a girl who agreed. I closed off the entry and gave her my particulars.
‘Can I meet you?’ was her reply.
Well, what the heck. I guess I want to get to know the person who I’m going to die with. I gave her a time and place and she told me what she was going to wear so I can recognize her.
When I first saw her, there was nothing special about her. But when I went up to her to greet her, her smile exuded a quality I had never seen in a girl I’ve usually met. Maturity. Elegence. And some other quality I am not familiar with… I was stunned.
I tried to figure out if it was the right girl or not. She looked so happy, so different from the way I perceived her. In a split second, I looked at her clothes again. She wore jeans, a black, boy’s t-shirt and two chains hanging from her belt. Shoulder-length hair. Just as the way she described it in the e-mail.
“Yes, it’s me.” She smiled and shook my hand, noting my blur expression.
Honestly speaking, she looked like the type of person who would talk a person out of committing suicide!
“…Hi.” I finally spoke. Well, actually I croaked. My reaction made her chuckle, three fingers pressed against her lips. It actually made my heart skip a beat. And for the first time in months, I smiled. Hell, I also chuckled to boot.
“Em… Sorry for asking you this late but what is your name?” She asked.
“Er… Alex.” I said, trying to keep my heartbeat low. “What about yours?”
“Elise.” She said, smiling sweetly at me. I could tell that she had a gentle soul and a very caring one, in fact. She looked very approachable and looked the least intimidating. She was the extreme opposite of me, in my usual punk-Goth outfit and malicious stare.
We headed out to the nearest coffee shop where we got to know a bit more about the each other. She was a very interesting person. Very different from any girl I’ve ever met. And I mean so.
“Er… Can I ask you a small favour?” She said; hands playfully clasped against each other as if to beg. Her face was slightly playful, but leaning more to the serious side. I agreed and after a small silence, she finally told me what it was.
“Can we… Like… do it on my birthday…?” she said, her face etched with a frown and a glint of worry in her eyes. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Maybe you might have a special date to do it… Just suggesting…”
“S… Sure.” I said, accidentally cutting her off.
A smile of pure gratitude spread across her lips. Her eyes started to water a bit, but she held back and thanked me.
“When is your birthday?” I asked.
“Two weeks from now.” She said, fiddling with her cup. “I guess it’s enough time to prepare. And I want to know the person I die with very well.”
It dawned on me. She was not joking about it. I know I wasn’t, but she… She looked like the least person to commit suicide. I couldn’t detect any hint of pain in her. In the way she speaks, in the way she laughs… Even in the way she frowned at me, I still couldn’t figure out her motive of committing such dreadful act.
We kept in contact and went out several times. It was odd because we became good friends from then on. We were happy together, and the thought of committing suicide together evaporated from my mind instantly. I was no longer sulky, and a ray of hope began shining down on me. I even forgot how I met her in the first place when we went out together.
A week before her birthday, we went to several places I cherish. We went to the playground where I spent most of my time as a child, the school where I went to and my secret, secluded spot near an old mining lake. She didn’t mind following me to these places. In fact, she thought it was interesting to see my past hands-on.
After that, she dragged me to a photo-taking booth a few blocks away from my house. I wanted to say no, as I hate taking pictures. But she persisted and I had to go with her.
Taking photos wasn’t so bad, I found out later on. The machine can take up to 20 photos, which is quite a lot, she says. We sat down in the booth and the machine started shooting. At first we posed, and then suddenly she burst into laughter while the machine was still shooting. I was too conscious at the fact that we weren’t properly posing. She laughed as the camera continued shooting. I wasn’t sure if I wanted pictures full of us goofing off in the photo booth.
Like I said, I’ve never been in one of those photo booths before.
“You look weird when you pose like that.” She said before laughing again.
I was a bit embarrassed, but knowing what kind of person she is, I was sure she didn’t mean it.
But it doesn’t mean she can get away with it.
I playfully grabbed her by both her wrists and we started wrestling in the booth. I made sure I didn’t really hurt her; it was the last thing I want to do to her. The whole time, I felt her hands in mine, her gentle laugh filling my ears. It was bliss. It was heaven…
When the photos came out, she ripped the long strip of photos in half, 10 for her and 10 for me. I had the last 10, which most of the photos were of me wrestling her.
It was a scene I had long forgotten. It was an emotion I vaguely remembered. Joy. It was etched all over my face. Happiness exuded through the glossy surface of the paper. I was back to my youthful, exuberant-self again. It was then that I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
Tingling sensations overpowered me when I saw the very last photo of us. It was a photo of me still wrestling her, her back pressed against the wall of the booth. I had both of my hands on her wrists and her face was blocked from view with the back of my head. We looked like… we were kissing.
“Can I look at yours?” She said; a hopeful look on her face. I cringed. I didn’t know what her reaction would be if she saw the very last photo.
When she did, she burst into a happy fit of laughter. “Oh my god!” She exclaimed. “How did this happen?”
I followed her laugh, saying that I didn’t know.
She scrunched her nose playfully and looked at me. “For that, you have to pay. You have to treat me a slushie!”
“What? It wasn’t my fault!” I said. We were bickering like little kids until we got to the drink shop. I got her a slushie anyway. I remember her favourite was strawberry crush.
It was pure bliss, from that moment on.
Or… so I thought.
I can’t believe I could actually forget that the both of us had agreed to commit suicide on her birthday. It was three days before her birthday and all I could think about was getting her the perfect birthday present. Maybe something fluffy… Like a teddy bear… No. How about a bouquet of 99 roses? Nah, too much…
What does she like anyway?
‘Does she like me?’ a voice responded in my head. Oh! Please! Like she’ll fall for someone like me…
‘But I like her…’ the voice in my head said in a small voice before dissipating into the sounds of the afternoon.
Honestly speaking I wasn’t sure at that point in time whether I had fallen for her or not, but I snapped at that thought and rested my chin on the back of my hand.
I was sitting quietly at my desk that was positioned in front of the window, and the window overlooked the quiet suburbs below. My house was strategically placed at the side of the hill, so I could see the whole town from the comfort of my bedroom. The sky seemed washed with colours of blue fading into a warm, orange colour. The sun had already begun to set and a cool breeze swept though the window.
In the midst of the silence, I heard something ring above me…
Cling, cling, cling…
I looked up to see the wind chime I had made a few years ago. It was made out of wood, and I had put the pieces together with a piece of string… I also had put a few metal parts here and there to make it a bit louder.
I rarely hear it chime anymore because I was rarely in the house these days, and even rare still was the fact that the winds almost never traveled through my town. The fairy-like sound was inviting, and I let a few happy memories stray into my mind for a while.
I smiled to myself, still looking up at the wind chime. I knew exactly what I was going to give her.
Finally, it was her birthday. Before I could ask her out, she had asked me to come over to her house. Her family was outstation and she was the only one at home at that time. I almost jumped for joy, and I had almost forgotten about her birthday present when I bolted for the door.
I was nervous when I stepped up to her front door, so nervous that the sweat on my hands started to leave damp stains on the wrapper of her present. Taking in a deep breath, I knocked the door once, twice, three times…
I heard slow footsteps coming towards the door and the door slowly opened. I had to move my body sideways to see behind the door. For some reason, she was hiding behind the door, one hand clutching the side of it.
“Er… Is everything alright?” I asked, clutching her present in my hand behind my back.
“Nnn.” She nodded, opening the door a little wider. She forced a smile and asked me to come into the house. Taking off my shoes, I stepped inside as she closed the door behind her.
Her house was quaint, I must say. From the entrance, you would be in a long hallway that led towards the living room. I could see that the hallway opened up into the kitchen on the right. There was a tall vase in the hallway. It was quite dark at that moment in time, as she probably forgot to open the lights.
I was caught off guard when she suddenly hugged me from behind, her arms clasp around my arms and body. My right hand was still holding on to her present.
“H… Hey.” I managed to say, trying to look over my shoulder to look at her.
I could hear her sobbing quietly, her tears dampening my shirt. I didn’t want to make the situation worse so I just stood there in that dark, long hallway. I honestly didn’t know what was up with her.
“I… want to stay like this… for a while.” She said, hugging me tighter as she rested her cheek on my back.
That was when I remembered our ‘plan’. It hit me so bad that the hallway started to seem darker than it was before. I wanted so badly to black out, so that we wouldn’t go through it. Together.
She straightened herself and immediately got hold of my left hand, which didn’t have the present, and led me upstairs. The silence that the house was emitting was… scary. And even scarier still was the fact that she was so quiet. So different from the vibrant, fun-loving person I knew. My heart raced so fast that I felt like it could just jump right out of my chest.
Before I knew it, we were sitting on her bed and she was rummaging though her drawer. I had already dropped her present onto the floor next to the bed, as I thought that it wasn’t a good time to give it to her.
“Here.” She said, and it made me look up at her. She was standing on her knees on the bed, but what made my jaw drop was, in her hands were a pair of butterfly knives. My body seemed to have a mind of it’s own at that time and my arm seemed to reach out for the knife and grab one. I held it close in my hand, inspecting it. In the back of my mind, I was telling myself that it was not a real knife. It was probably rubber, or zinc… or tin-foil… But even when I told myself that, my heartbeat tripled. No. This is a real knife. I could feel the cold steel against my skin when I touched it. My finger actually bled when I had accidentally poked it with the knife. We were going to commit suicide in her room.
“I want you to slit my wrist and I’ll slit yours… Simultaneously.” She said in a monotone voice.
I was actually freaked out of my skin. That wasn’t her, I was sure of it…
Elise? What ever happened to you?
We sat cross-legged on her bed, our left hand on our thigh while with our right hand, held the butterfly knife that was positioned over each other’s wrists.
Everything seemed a blur then. I could hear her voice in the distance, saying “One. Two…”
And then my body took control over itself. My arm moved away in a swift and at the count of three, she had slashed my thigh and I threw my knife out the window. She was taken aback a little and I grabbed her knife and threw it out as well.
It took me a few moments to come back down to reality. She was kneeling on the bed; a range of emotions flashed though her features. But at the last moment, she looked somber and a tear started leaking though her eye. We didn’t talk. But we knew what was going through each other’s minds.
I’m so confused, her eyes seem to say. So confused that I thought that this was the only way out.
Without hesitating, I kneeled over to her and I held her in my arms. Just like that.
That was the last time I saw her that day.
And that was the last time I saw her… ever.
I didn’t keep in touch with her after that incident. It had been 3 days since her birthday and suddenly I received a call from her hand phone. But the one on the other line wasn’t her.
“She’s gone.” The voice simply said, weeping. It was all that I heard before the caller ended the call.
I rushed to he house when I saw three police cars outside her house, with an ambulance on the lawn. A lot of people were frantically going in and out of her house and, presumably her relatives were openly weeping in front of the house. A man, who looks to be her father, was holding on to a distraught woman who looks to be the mother.
My whole world went black. Even though I was not informed of what happened, I had an eerie feeling that she did it…
…She committed suicide.
I ran towards the house where I was restrained by one of the policeman.
“Boy, you can’t go in there.” He said, holding to both of my arms.
“Let go…! I need to see Elise!” I said frantically, trying to worm myself out of his grasp. But he held on to my jacket and I was pulled away and I stumbled over my two feet.
“Elise!” I shouted, and the name made her mother weep even more, and the father was saying things like ‘shut up, boy!’.
“Elise!” I shouted again, straining to look down the dark hallway. But I was dragged back even more, and everything turned into the same shade of grey…
“ELISE!” I screamed, her name echoing throughout the space around me… Down the hallway… into the house where she committed suicide… And everything went black.
I was sent home by the police. I was so distraught that I had accidentally cursed them. But they knew what kind of state I was in so they had left me off.
Furious, I went straight up to my room. The only thing in my mind at that time was doing some crashing.
But when I opened the door, a gust of wind blew into the room and everything on my desk seemed to fly off and dart towards my direction. A stack of paper whirled around in my room and I was blinded for a moment. And then amidst the wind, I heard a familiar sound…
Cling, cling, cling…
I looked up towards the window and, yes, the wind chime I ‘gave’ to Elise was hung where it normally was.
Then suddenly, a familiar piece of paper fluttered gently in the air, amidst all the paper, and I took it in my hands.
It was the photos we had taken in the photo booth.
Cling, cling, cling…The wind chime continued to chime. But it had an angelic tone to it. Echoing… Distant... And faded. But when I looked up, the wind chime was no longer there.
By that time, the winds had already died down, and my room was a mess.
To be precise, my world was a mess.
I crushed the photo in my hand; tears started falling down towards the floor.
Elise, I thought deep in my head as my throat tightened up. Why did you have to throw away your life just like that?
I banged my fist on the wall, and the pictures on the wall started to shake.
Why did you have to go so soon?
I pulled the pictures off the wall and threw it onto the floor, the glass breaking into a million pieces as it collided to the ground.
…Why did you have to leave me here like this?
I smashed the glass with my fist, and it bled. Seeing blood made my mind go crazy.
Do you think it’s fair to leave me here like this?
I swept my hands on the walls, painting it red, painting it in crimson…
Leaving me, or your family, or your friends?
I pounded my fist again on the walls. Hard. More blood oozed down the wall. There was a lot of screaming and screeching in my head. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to go away.
No. I won’t give into your satisfaction.
I slumped into my bed, crimson blood covering me whole. I felt exhausted, but tears blurred my vision.
I won’t commit suicide.
My mind slipped off into a dreamy state. Everything seemed monochromatic, but light and white…
I’ll do it for you.
I nipped at my finger, tasting the blood. Then I closed my eyes and drifted into a dream…
I’ll do it for you, luv.
Relax! He didn't die, he just drifted off into a deep sleep because he was exhausted ^^; i know I should have made it more clear. I wrote the 2nd half when I was rushing to finish it so I didn't give it a good ending. Bagh. Gomen ne =.=
Monday, January 16, 2006
Toyou omoide no you na chigire ta hime...Chigire ta hime no you na toyou omoide.
Tsunage awasetainda... Ishou ni.
I want to line up the pieces...
Yours and mine.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Yayyyyy!! I've re-done my layout again... and I luff it! <33333 tell me what you think! I'll start posting seriously when I have the mood.
But for now... Rejoice! <3
Those who happen to stumble upon my layout now, i'm currently re-doint it xD nya~
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Hello! New blog, ya =D layout and everything done by me. It's not fantastic, I know ^^
But i did it all in a day, together with a big headache and a head cold :(
Ah well, I'm glad I've found a site that I can tamper with the layout freely!
It has been a long time since I've used HTML D: nyew.
The layout is mine. The background is mine. The image at the back was taken by me (with great difficulty)
I love my photoshop. Photoshop is <3